Here’s an interesting piece of fanmail question that I sometimes get.
It’s actually a two parter, one dealing with racism- both perceived and internalized- as well as how to compromise or come to terms with two different religions in a relationship.
i’m a fan of your work and i bought one of ur products too. i have two major roadblocks for dating white women and i need your advices.
1) for some reasons, i get the sense that white women do have a racial superiority complex. i don’t think they truly believe asian men = white men/women ( on all levels+ ). i don’t like to neg to lower their value. so, i use my identities to DHV and they somehow still don’t show interest b/c they believe my race is still inferior.
2) i have a strong uncompromising frame. i also think white women have a very strong “white is beautiful” frame. if i date them, i have to convert. if i don’t, then they won’t be interested cuz they don’t convert to asians. it could be wrong. i think the fundamental question is how to convert her white faith to my asian faith? or you pretty much need to convert to white in order for them to date u?
Hey True Faith,
The human mind is a powerful thing especially in inventing self-limiting, roadblocks to your own success and self-actualization. Some people just have a habit of sabotaging themselves even though the answer is RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM…
So powerful is this self-destructive tendency, in fact, is that you can create a steel wall complete with barbwire in your mind that, at the mere thought of a white woman believing she’s racially superior than you, or not being interested in your, or being of a different “faith” than you, is enough to stop you from either asking a white woman on a date, or even going up to her to try to talk to her in the first place.
You don’t know this is true or not, but somehow you convinced yourself of this completely in order to avoid being hurt, rejected, or disappointed.
From a simple, niggling kernel of self-doubt, it has become this slithering poisonous virus to your self-confidence.
The self-limiting beliefs that you’ve listed here are very common among Asian American men, so you should at least take comfort in knowing that you’re not the only person who has self-limiting beliefs like this from time to time. But the fact of the matter is that whether a white woman believe she’s racially superior to you (or not, or be interested in you (or not) or be of a different “faith” than you (or not), that still has absolutely no bearing on what you need to do in order to attract, meet, and date the woman of your choice.
While your logical constructs and Socratic-method-style proofs are logical, and follow straight forward if-then inferences that most people would nod in agreement with, a woman’s feeling of attraction to a man is ANYTHING BUT LOGICAL. Do you seriously think that she’s going to be saying to herself, “um… this guy isn’t of the same faith as me…” when you’re standing right in front of her, making direct eye contact with her, and conveying your personality in a fun and adventurous way?
Do you think she’s going to be thinking “ooohhh, I am so racially superior to this guy….” when you’re having a fun conversation with her, and leading the interaction in such a way that you’re eventually sitting down together and sharing common experiences with each other in conversation, all the while making it clear that you’re romantically interested in her?
Certainly not. And when you advance the interaction further and begin bringing up romantic and sexual topics of conversation in a fun, confident, and adventurous way, trust me, she’s not going to be thinking of anything else but being with you.
These concepts that I just raised here– leading the interaction, conveying yourself, bringing up romantic and sexual topics of conversation in a fun, confident, and adventurous way– these are all the basic fundamental principles that I teach all of my students during the 3-day bootcamps. These are the same principles that all of our students use, and they are the very same principles that I use myself.
With regards to long term relationships, I do expect a non-Asian girl to meet me halfway. To become part of my Asian world just like I’m part of the mainstream world. Does this mean I convert her to Buddhism like I am? No, but I expect her to understand it at least and show proper respect.
Does this mean I make her speak Vietnamese or cook Vietnamese food all the time? No, but I will make it known that our kids would be tutored in Vietnamese (to make sure they can talk to my mother and grandmother, which is their worse fear in interracial dating) and I do expect her to cook my favorite dishes (like Pho).
So, to address your concerns directly: I don’t know if white girls I meet think that Asians are inferior, and quite frankly, I don’t care. I am the most interesting Asian man in the world they will ever meet and I’m too busy hooking up with them to notice.
- Dear APB: “Reverse Racism”
- Dear APB: “Redefining the Standard of Beauty In Order to Combat the IR Disparity”
- Dear Asian Playboy: “Defend Us From the Haters!”
- Sticking Points of Asian Men in Dating White Women, Part 1
- A Real Solution to the Asian American Interracial Dating Disparity